Castiel is Clueless
by JacobFaeWyldes
Summary: Castiel is bored, Sam is busy with Gabriel and Dean is on a solo hunt. But he can't help but wonder why Sam is moaning. Perhaps Dean knows the answer? This is a collab with my amazing girlfriend Edvin Elvel. Part of the 'When I LARP with my girlfriend' Series but can be read as a stand alone.


**Edvin** **: Hello. I'm Edvin. My nickname is Dev for undisclosed reasons. I am writing this as I feel obligated to write an Author's Note.**

 **Rene : ...Dev.**

 **Dev** **: Yes?**

 **Rene : ****We don't own Supernatural. Got it!?**

 **Dev** **: *pouts* Unfortunately.**

 **Rene:** **Then why, do you refuse to put in the disclaimers? *Unimpressed face and foot tapping***

 **Dev** **: "Fred sighed wistfully. 'You may not practice magic over the holidays,' he read aloud from the letter. Beside him, George invoiced: 'I keep hoping they'll forget these, every year'." -Philosopher's Stone (pg. 276). My morals are based off of Fred and George Weasley.**

 **Rene : Dev, I love you, but wrong fandom.**

 **Dev** **: *Pouts some more***

 _ **Castiel: Edvin**_

 _ **Sam: Edvin**_

 _ **Bobby: Edvin**_

 _ **Gabriel: Edvin**_

 _ **Dean: Rene**_

 _ **Crowley: Rene**_

* * *

 **Castiel:**

And I'm bored.

 **Dean:**

Cool. And Cas, you really need to work on your response time.

 **Castiel:**

My hands are not nearly as well-adjusted to phone keyboards as yours, Dean.

 **Dean:**

You've been using them for like 4 years.

 **Castiel:**

I have never found it logical to memorize the key-location on a keyboard, when I could just… teleport, I believe you call it.

 **Dean:**

Yeah…

 **Castiel:**

Dean, that's not a suitably descriptive answer. I require more if I wish to know the context you answered to.

 **Dean:**

BUT, there's a thing called PERSONAL SPACE!

 **Castiel:**

I have never understood "personal space" either.

 **Dean:**

I give up.

 **Castiel:**

What is the point of it? All that it ensues is the non-sharing of body heat. I do not wish you to get cold.

 **Dean:**

I need a drink.

 **Castiel:**

Dean, Sam has said it is not smart to drink early in the day.

 **Castiel:**

Dean?

Wasn't I supposed to be the slow responder?

 **Dean:**

Yeah, well, Sammy isn't the one drinking, is he?

 **Dean:**

And I'm slow 'cause I'm focusing on two things at once.

 **Castiel:**

"Sammy" has loudly requested over my shoulder that you should refer to him as "Sam"

 **Dean:**

Why is Sammy with you?

 **Castiel:**

No. He's with Gabriel, three feet behind me.

 **Dean:**

…

 **Dean:**

Fuck that, I'm getting a drink.

 **Castiel:**

Looking behind me, I have thought of another question to ask. Why does Sam moan when Gabriel sticks his tongue in Sam's mouth?

 **Dean:**

…

 **Dean:**

I'm not having The Conversation with you.

 **Castiel:**

What 'conversation'? Dean, this sounds impertent to my assimilation with mankind.

 **Castiel:**

Why is Sam moaning?

 **Dean:**

Nope.

 **Castiel:**

Why. Does. He. Moan.

 **Dean:**

Nope.

 **Castiel:**

Why?

 **Dean:**

Nopenopenopenopenope-

 **Castiel:**

Dean!

 **Dean:**

So much nope!

 **Castiel:**

There cannot be "so much nope". Nope is a reply, therefore an idea, whereas "So much" is a supposed to be applied as a physical measurement.

 **Dean** **:**

Beer! Beer is needed!

 **Castiel** **:**

Why is Sam still moaning? And why is Gabriel maneuvering them to the bedroom?

 **Dean** **:**

Nada.

 **Dean** **:**

Negative.

 **Castiel** **:**

Fine. I'll ask them.

 **Castiel** **:**

Dean... I thought that sexual intercourse between two males was impossible. My eyes are observing differently.

 **Dean** **:**

Goddammit Cas, get out of there!

 **Castiel** **:**

Sam just threw a pillow at me.

 **Dean** **:**

PERSONAL SPACE!

 **Castiel** **:**

Maybe I should leave.

 **Dean** **:**

YA THINK!

 **Castiel:**

Sam is yelling something about me "ruining the mood". What is he talking about?

 **Dean** **:**

That's it! I'm done.

 **Dean** **:**

Mark of Cain, take me now!

 **Castiel** **:**

DEAN! I MUST KNOW THIS!

 **Castiel** **:**

And I do not believe that The Lord is so inclined to end your life at the moment.

You have much to explain.

 **Dean** **:**

No.

 **Castiel** **:**

Tell me, Dean.

 **Dean** **:**

AFK

 **Castiel:**

Nevermind. Bobby has arrived. He's yelling something about a skinchanger.

 **Castiel** **:**

I should go ask him.

 **Castiel:**

Dean... why is Bobby laughing uncontrollably?

 **Castiel** **:**

Is he going to die?

 **Castiel:**

Dean?

 **Castiel:**

I'm getting genuinely worried.

 **Castiel:**

He's still laughing.

 **Castiel:**

Dean?

 **Castiel:**

Dean, I fear he may pass out from lack of oxygen.

 **Dean:**

The Winchester you are trying to contact is currently drinking himself to death. Please call at a later time.

 **Castiel** :

Tell him to cease his actions. I do not wish another trip to Hell. It would be very counterproductive to our plans.

 **Castiel:**

Dean, Bobby has stopped laughing.

 **Castiel:**

He's turned a bright red and has got back into the car.

 **Castiel:**

He's driving away now.

 **Dean:**

This phone number is offline.

 **Castiel:**

He yelled something about a sexual education book and something about "hands-on with Dean"?

 **Castiel:**

He's laughing again.

 **Castiel:**

I think he finds himself funny.

 **Dean:**

Please call at a later time.

 **Castiel:**

I'm not calling to begin with, I'm "chatting".

 **Dean:**

This phone is offline.

 **Castiel:**

Dean, if you don't answer, I will teleport you directly into the bedroom Gabriel and Sam are currently occupying, as you seem to find their actions second-handedly embarrassing.

 **Dean:**

The number you are attempting to contact is not availaCas demons

 **Castiel:**

Demons?

 **Castiel:**

... Dean?

 **Castiel:**

Dean... being kidnapped by demons will not get you out of this!

 **Castiel:**

I am slightly annoyed.

 **Dean:**

Sorry, birdbrain, Dean and I are having one HELL of a time together. ~The King of Crossroads

 **Castiel:**

Hold on.

 **Dean:**

What?

 **Castiel:**

I need to change your contact name.

 **Dean:**

What?!

 **Castiel:**

Okay. I'm done.

 **Castiel:**

I wouldn't want to intrude. Will you please give him his phone back? I wish to ask him about why Sam is currently asking Gabriel to "come" towards him.

 **Castiel:**

Yelling, actually.

 **Crowley:**

…

 **Crowley:**

…

 **Crowley:**

Well, that was unexpected.

 **Castiel:**

It's quiet, now.

 **Crowley:**

You might find it amusing to know that Squirrel is currently having a chat with dear Michael.

 **Castiel:**

I thought they didn't get along?

 **Castiel:**

And I feel obligated to tell you that Dean dislikes being referred to as "Squirrel".

 **Crowley:**

I'm not sure he cares at the moment, considering Michael is inside dear old Dean.

 **Castiel:**

Are they having intercourse? I cannot think of another context for your words.

 **Crowley:**

NO.

 **Crowley:**

I'm done.

 **Castiel:**

Dean said that earlier. And if that was not the context your words were meant in, then what do you mean?

 **Crowley:**

Dean. Is. Being. Possessed. By. Michael. Capiche?

 **Castiel:**

One moment.

 **Castiel** :

Sam is yelling at me for something about not "letting us know that Dean is being possessed again". I think he wants us to meet you for brunch.

 **Castiel** :

Hold on, I need to ask Dean if he has lunch plans, now.

 **Castiel** :

… I made a mistake.

 **Castiel** :

In teleporting Dean here, I accidentally exorcised Michael.

 **Castiel** :

Sorry, Michael.

 **Crowley** :

HOld on, dealing w/ luci right now. Cant talk.

 **Castiel** :

Wait! I thought we were planning brunch! Dean said "Yeah, sure", but he sounded a little sarcastic.

 **Castiel** :

I should ask Sam what he meant.

 **Castiel** :

Nevermind. He is preoccupied with sticking his tongue in Gabriel's mouth again.

 **Castiel** :

Why do humans do that?


End file.
